Fears

One of my biggest fears is what I am working towards. The reason why I study so much and spend so time on my work is because I have this inflated sense of "the future" and "success". I don't know what any of it means. I don't even know if I want it. I don't want to be working like this all my life, and I'm afraid that if I do end up in a top-tier law firm, I will effectively have trapped myself into that lifestyle.

At the same time, there's nothing I can do about it. There is no way I'm not going to try for it, and there's no way I'm going to work any less for it. I can't bring myself to do that.

I look forward to the holidays so much. They're the only times I can really let loose, and I constantly tell myself they're not far away.

The problem is (as has been pointed out to me) that I don't seem to be living life for "now" - only the future. Will it be like this when I'm working? Will I effectively be working all my life, looking forward to when I can relax years later in retirement?

The thought frightens me.