One of my biggest fears is what I am working towards. The reason why I study so much and spend so time on my work is because I have this inflated sense of "the future" and "success". I don't know what any of it means. I don't even know if I want it. I don't want to be working like this all my life, and I'm afraid that if I do end up in a top-tier law firm, I will effectively have trapped myself into that lifestyle.
At the same time, there's nothing I can do about it. There is no way I'm not going to try for it, and there's no way I'm going to work any less for it. I can't bring myself to do that.
I look forward to the holidays so much. They're the only times I can really let loose, and I constantly tell myself they're not far away.
The problem is (as has been pointed out to me) that I don't seem to be living life for "now" - only the future. Will it be like this when I'm working? Will I effectively be working all my life, looking forward to when I can relax years later in retirement?
The thought frightens me.
Friday, 31 May 2013
Laziness and profit
I sold out.
A few hours ago, one of my classmates Facebook messaged me to ask for my notes, saying she'll pay $50 for them as she couldn't be bothered typing up her hand written ones.
My notes are my babies - I mentioned earlier that I spent 10 hours on them a day - but on the other hand, it was an easy $50 to make. I just had to send them to her. But at the same time, I felt like they were worth so much more (although who actually pays $50 for notes?). I didn't tell her she could probably find a billion notes online, for free, or at least for much less than $50.
It really felt a bit sick to send them. I felt as though she should be suffering as I am and have been, and that now she has the benefit of my work without needing to go through any of that.
I guess that's what $50 can get you.
A few hours ago, one of my classmates Facebook messaged me to ask for my notes, saying she'll pay $50 for them as she couldn't be bothered typing up her hand written ones.
My notes are my babies - I mentioned earlier that I spent 10 hours on them a day - but on the other hand, it was an easy $50 to make. I just had to send them to her. But at the same time, I felt like they were worth so much more (although who actually pays $50 for notes?). I didn't tell her she could probably find a billion notes online, for free, or at least for much less than $50.
It really felt a bit sick to send them. I felt as though she should be suffering as I am and have been, and that now she has the benefit of my work without needing to go through any of that.
I guess that's what $50 can get you.
The opening
The reason I chose this template was because I haven't enjoyed blue skies, green fields and sunshine for many weeks now. Exams are fast approaching; I don't even know where I'm finding the time to type this right now.
I was inspired to create this blog after my boyfriend told me how fucked I was. The URL is also inspired by him - he likes to call me a ninety-niner.
Let me explain:
I am a 19 year old law student.
I love to perform, I have friends, I like partying. All of it.
The problem is that I push it all away when I feel like I need to study. This feeling is constant. I always have every day structured for the next month as to the exact amount of work I will be doing. I rarely allow myself to deviate from this schedule - this is why when I am invited out, much of the time I am forced to say I am too busy with work. People tend to get very confused at times when I do this and exams are still a month away.
However, I still feel very, very guilty whenever I'm not doing work, even if I had finished the work I had planned for that day. My thought process is that I could be lightening the load for myself another day.
When I'm not in exam mode, I spend approximately 10 hours a day, every day, writing notes. When I get closer to exams, I spend my time whittling them down, making them manageable. It's a cruel process; I always kick myself for not making it easier in the first place and being more discerning as to what I type from the textbook.
Currently I have about 1500 pages of notes for 2 subjects. This is after I have condensed most of them (which takes hours every day).
I am involved in law revue. As I said, I love performing. I forced myself to go to the first rehearsal a week ago, because I knew I had to get out of the house for my mental well-being. I paid for it later when I moved around my timetable and had to shift much of the work I needed to do that day into the rest of my already jam-packed schedule.
Speaking of which, I received a really big shock a few weeks ago when I realised that the work I had recorded in my journal was predicated on there being an extra week - as in, I thought it was the 7th of May when it was actually the 14th. This meant that the week in between suddenly disappeared - the world became chaotic and disorganised. I didn't know what to do; I had counted on an entire extra week to do my work and I had just found out that it was gone.
I got over it and worked extra hard over the next few days. Still, it stresses me to think about it.
I usually hate procrastinating - it is unusual for me to do so. Currently I have some torts notes open in the background and I need to go back to it now and minimise this page.
I'm back. I'm almost done with today's work.
The problem with studying is much also extends to how little sleep I get. Don't get me wrong, I usually finish by 12am (it's 11:22pm now) - but I need my playtime to keep me sane. I surf Youtube, watch movies, and all round try to relish in my "freedom" (while still feeling guilty) in my last few hours of the day, before I need to wake up and do it all again the next day.
I feel like this semester has been the worst. I've worked the hardest. The pay-off is that I've gotten the highest marks that I've gotten at university so far, which really pleases me. However, I still don't *really know* because my upcoming exams are worth 60% each. It's possible that all the work I've done thus far will come to nothing, if I have a bad day.
I dread exams, far more than the usual person does. I fainted in the middle of an exam last year, because I had just realised I'd forgotten to read an entire sentence in my essay question, and had not addressed it at all although I was coming to the end of that particular essay and was about to begin the next. I got heart palpitations, began to feel faint, started to inform the exam supervisor standing next to me that I was going to faint, before the darkness became enveloping. It was horrible. I was extremely paranoid it was going to happen again during my next exam. I bought gum and chewed it to relieve stress. I listened to the Beatles' 'Across the Universe' to calm my nerves, and then I became anxious that it would be stuck in my head whilst I am doing the exam.
I am aware of how fucked I am.
I am aware I'm not alone. I know many high-achieving people, however none that experience the same anxiety attacks that I do. I'd like to meet someone who does one day.
I was inspired to create this blog after my boyfriend told me how fucked I was. The URL is also inspired by him - he likes to call me a ninety-niner.
Let me explain:
I am a 19 year old law student.
I love to perform, I have friends, I like partying. All of it.
The problem is that I push it all away when I feel like I need to study. This feeling is constant. I always have every day structured for the next month as to the exact amount of work I will be doing. I rarely allow myself to deviate from this schedule - this is why when I am invited out, much of the time I am forced to say I am too busy with work. People tend to get very confused at times when I do this and exams are still a month away.
However, I still feel very, very guilty whenever I'm not doing work, even if I had finished the work I had planned for that day. My thought process is that I could be lightening the load for myself another day.
When I'm not in exam mode, I spend approximately 10 hours a day, every day, writing notes. When I get closer to exams, I spend my time whittling them down, making them manageable. It's a cruel process; I always kick myself for not making it easier in the first place and being more discerning as to what I type from the textbook.
Currently I have about 1500 pages of notes for 2 subjects. This is after I have condensed most of them (which takes hours every day).
I am involved in law revue. As I said, I love performing. I forced myself to go to the first rehearsal a week ago, because I knew I had to get out of the house for my mental well-being. I paid for it later when I moved around my timetable and had to shift much of the work I needed to do that day into the rest of my already jam-packed schedule.
Speaking of which, I received a really big shock a few weeks ago when I realised that the work I had recorded in my journal was predicated on there being an extra week - as in, I thought it was the 7th of May when it was actually the 14th. This meant that the week in between suddenly disappeared - the world became chaotic and disorganised. I didn't know what to do; I had counted on an entire extra week to do my work and I had just found out that it was gone.
I got over it and worked extra hard over the next few days. Still, it stresses me to think about it.
I usually hate procrastinating - it is unusual for me to do so. Currently I have some torts notes open in the background and I need to go back to it now and minimise this page.
I'm back. I'm almost done with today's work.
The problem with studying is much also extends to how little sleep I get. Don't get me wrong, I usually finish by 12am (it's 11:22pm now) - but I need my playtime to keep me sane. I surf Youtube, watch movies, and all round try to relish in my "freedom" (while still feeling guilty) in my last few hours of the day, before I need to wake up and do it all again the next day.
I feel like this semester has been the worst. I've worked the hardest. The pay-off is that I've gotten the highest marks that I've gotten at university so far, which really pleases me. However, I still don't *really know* because my upcoming exams are worth 60% each. It's possible that all the work I've done thus far will come to nothing, if I have a bad day.
I dread exams, far more than the usual person does. I fainted in the middle of an exam last year, because I had just realised I'd forgotten to read an entire sentence in my essay question, and had not addressed it at all although I was coming to the end of that particular essay and was about to begin the next. I got heart palpitations, began to feel faint, started to inform the exam supervisor standing next to me that I was going to faint, before the darkness became enveloping. It was horrible. I was extremely paranoid it was going to happen again during my next exam. I bought gum and chewed it to relieve stress. I listened to the Beatles' 'Across the Universe' to calm my nerves, and then I became anxious that it would be stuck in my head whilst I am doing the exam.
I am aware of how fucked I am.
I am aware I'm not alone. I know many high-achieving people, however none that experience the same anxiety attacks that I do. I'd like to meet someone who does one day.
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